Dear Makers of Hanukkah,
I love your product, but I think it could use a little re-branding. For one I think we need to change the name a little. I had to copy and paste the name Hanukkah for this letter- not a good sign. I think we take a cue from our competitor christmas and go with the letter C, it's the third one in the alphabet and h is a little bitch anyway.
I propose Chakukanah. Pronounced Chuck-oo-kun-ah. I think this does 2 things: A. eliminates all those double letters and clears up some misconceptions on pronunciation B. It gives images of that 60s scifi movie Barbarella. You know the one with tons of hot naked babes and a totally hot Jane Fonda? No? Google it.
Ok so boobs. I think we are already moving towards a more viable business model. Secondly I think we need to capitalize on the fact that there are 8 days. That is 7 more than than pussy Christmas. I think we should totally install themes i.e. first day is NASCAR day, third day is Playboy day.
BOOM- Corporate tie-ins right there, we can discuss the theme details later.
Thirdly- Coca-cola already heavily supports Christmas. The colors match Red-Green & Red-White. It makes sense. But what matches our colors Blue and Silver? hmmm.
Oh wait Fuckin Pepsi. Really Did it not occur to you to jump on that earlier? Coke's biggest competitor for Christmas' biggest competitor. Come on now.
Fourth- We might as well buy out Kwanzaa in a merger type acquisition, cause let's be honest...Kwanzaa.
Ok great I'll be in on Tuesday, we'll discuss pay later. Don't try and trick me with a gelt bag again. I know that shit is only chocolate not real coins now.